Okay so I caught the tail end of O today and she was talking about how we have to re-write our childhood to make the lies that people told us about ourselves i.e. your are not worthy, you are stupid, ugly, too light etc... NOT our truths.
I know that when I was coming up my stepfather used to berate and belittle me to the point his own sister had to tell him "You are going to give her a nervous breakdown screaming at her for hours on end! LEAVE HER ALONE!” I have been molested by several cousins and felt like my sexuality was not my own. In listening to O today though, I felt empowered. I know now that my promiscuity and lack of self worth stem from my emotional, mental and physical abuse. Now is the time where I have to not only KNOW but also CHANGE my actions to reflect the knowledge that I am worthy of love and commitment and all things good God has in store for me.
The conversation she was having with her resident psychiatrist caught me off guard especially in my current situation. My unborn child's father used to tell me how his mother abused him and his other brothers and how he was left to be their caretaker from when he was three and they were just a little younger than he (if he wasn't lying about that as well). How she would beat them at the drop of a dime (his brothers also attested to that so I don't think that was a lie), drink and smoke marijuana (with them even now- so I know that is not a lie). He also told me how she would say they wouldn't be anything or they would be just like their fathers (they all have different fathers). Even when I met her, she alluded to her son’s sexual prowess, which makes me think that may be one of the only things she acknowledges he does right which may be why he continues to feel like he must conquer every woman he meets.
His father has I think 10 kids or more of which he is the youngest at 30 or 35 (he says he is 30 now but his wife says 35) and his parents do not speak. He says that his mother hates his father and that she claims that he forcibly impregnated her and he is her first child so perhaps that is where the cycle of abuse began in his home with her.
My thing is that he is creating or rather re-creating his mother and father's relationship with every woman he meets. With 7 children by 5 different women achieved by lying and cheating and burning bridges everywhere he turns, he seems to be just stuck in a cycle. When we discussed all of this civilly a few days ago he said that he would take all of the responsibility because he was repeating a cycle with women that he dated that I had no knowledge of, to my knowledge he had been married and no other kids outside his marriage but of course he was lying not only to me but to himself and God.
I, for one am not going to perpetuate the same kind of madness that he has in his mind I will. He is used to a certain type of woman that is out for blood, vindictive and such which he probably deserves due to his inability to be truthful but I being who I am will not become bitter but accept the fact that he did nothing to me that I didn't allow him to do, due to my own insecurities and short-sightedness in protecting myself in the first place.
I guess my lesson is that I need to take responsibility and action for the knowledge that I am able to glean about a person's character and not just KNOW but own up to it and recognize that some people are not good to be around even for the short term. I guess it was entertaining in some ways watching him lie and/or stretch the truth to point where even he couldn't recognize it, then serving it up to him cold. Just to let him know that I was peeping his game but I got played anyway because there was so much left unsaid which buried secrets he lied to keep. I don't say that to say that I just allowed him to stay in my life to prove a point to him. I genuinely felt for him, even perhaps loved him but I needed to let him know on a few occaisions that I am not/was not as foolish as he may have thought- I was just watching him to see what he would do and if his walk would match his talk. And in the end, it did not. It is sad though because I really knew better to become this involved, but I felt like I was being sucked in by how he made me feel when I was around him and with him.
I just hope that I have not ruined my chances of finding true love and commitment and perhaps even a husband by having yet another child out of wed-lock with little to no hopes of marrying or even reconciling with the father of this child. He has told me that he does not want to get out the situation or marriage he is in, then jump into another one (ie me and him).
I know I am blessed and will remain to be so and I know that God forgives me for my trespasses against him as I have recognized the error of my own ways and asked for it but I just hope that HE sees fit to send me a man to fill that one space that is empty in my life.
When this man waked into my classroom I thought that was the real deal but it was just a trick of the devil. I guess the devil forgot that all things work for the good for those that love the Lord....